Project Forgiveness 2009

Welcome to Project Forgiveness. Here, we collect and post videos, emails, postcards and other expressions of regret from those who seek to forgive and from those who wish to express regret.

In the days leading up to the Jewish New Year, we offer this forum as a first step. It is our hope that sharing thoughts of forgiveness online will translate into actual forgiveness between individuals in the days to come.

How to participate? It's simple. Send us your "sorry" (upload a video to youtube and send us the link) or email us at: forgiveness or mail to:

Project Forgiveness
P.O. Box 5134
Bergenfield, NJ 07621

We accept postcards, emails, powerpoint, art, music, video and more!

September 22, 2006

To my husband:

I'm so sorry for the hurt I have caused you and continue to cause you, even though you are unaware. I know you are trying to show how much you love me, but I'm afraid it's too late. I love you, but I don't know if I'm in love with you any more.

I'm just as happy being by myself as with you, maybe more so because I don't have to deal with the inadequacies of our relationship.

Just remember, you are still you… it is me who has changed.


Anonymous said...

I feel as if I was the one who wrote this; I wonder how many other women out there feel like this. It is so hard to keep trying, I think there is nothing left for me to give. How long do you wait before you just say "No More"

Anonymous said...

Does this person apologize well?
No. She expresses sorrow for hurt, but is not specific as to what she has done to hurt her husband—some of the hurt of which he is unaware. Later she tries to absolve him of any “responsibility” for the inadequacies in their relationship by assuming all the blame. She continues to be nonspecific. Has she had an affair? She may benefit from reading Chapman’s book, The Five Languages of Apology.

Do you see evidence of lingering anger?
No, but of confusion and perhaps ambivalence. She recognizes her husband is making an effort to love her, she but fears it is too late. She does not say, “It is too late.” Also the phrase, “I don’t know.” It seems she’s in a different spot emotionally than she is intellectually. I’d guess she’s not in touch with her inner self. I don’t think she’s in touch with her anger—she may be afraid of anger and conflict and this is the reason she accepts all blame.

What would you not say to her/him?
“Pull the trigger, the relationship is dead.” “Your forgiveness work is done.” “It’s healthy to anesthetize your emotions or to flee from the conflict/inadequacies of her relationship.” “You’re correct. It’s all your fault!”

What misinformation or myths about forgiveness would you want to work on?
One of the purposes of forgiveness, not the only one, is to preserve, maintain, and reconcile interpersonal relationships. I assume this couple has invested a considerable amount of time with each other. Even if the marriage dissolves it will be a tragedy if a healthy relationship of some kind cannot be maintained. They will need help working through their emotional issues—but they will need to work on this whether or not they remain married if they ever hope to have a relationship with anyone they find “adequate” (a pretty crappy and minimalist word within the context of a love relationship)!

Bonus response. I’d also recommend they both read Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages. Love is an emotion, but it’s primarily a personal decision. It appears this couple is speaking an entirely different love language. The good news is they can learn to quickly speak a language their partner understands and finds meaningful.